How to Get Some Tail

Now before you feminazis (not feminists, they're cool socks) types get all huffy about my less-than-PC title, let me assure you that is an accepted and non-derrogatory term for both genders of the draenei race. Now that we've gotten that out of the way...

Well, you've all noticed a new race walking around for the past year, seeming very alien, yet very fine. Our blue-ish skin, well-oiled hooves and extra appendages may have been slighty disconcerting at first, but now you're thinking, "how can I get me some of that?" Well, for some it's easy. But if you don't have that special something that just makes our horns curl, then I've got some tips for you. And for the record, we do not smell like goats.

First of all, don't just grab our tail. You may see our men do this from time to time. First of all, if the lady doesn't slap him, they're in a playful, flirtatious relationship, but it has been established that this is allowed. If you do not know her, do not grab her tail without permission. This is the same thing as slapping some woman's bottom in public. If she lets you get away with it, you're probably getting lucky that night. But I wouldn't risk it. Seriously, you do that with me and you're losing a hand, luv. Especially if you pull hard. Not a good idea. For male draenei, it's a bit more difficult as their tails are thicker. Not easy to pull, and they don't like it anyway. Not a general turn on.

A hint for the ladies and men into such things: though all female draenei have face tentacles, not all men do. There is no direct relation of amount of face tentacles to virility, despite what the males want you to believe. It's about as bunk as that whole hand size and foot size and whatever size thing you humans have. However, they can be rather sensitive, and you should only play with them after courtship has been welcomed.

By the way, boys, using silly little puns like "horny" is not funny, and not original. Seriously. Our men are taught at a young age to never, ever say this when trying to pick up a woman. It's auto-fail.

Drae girls are, generally speaking, more attracted to muscular, broad-chested men and women. We're not so into the skinny as a stick thing. Sorry BElves and Forsaken, we're afraid we'd break you. Give us a nice Orc or Tauren or Dwarf or perhaps a Night Elf, and we're good to go. Gnomes are an exception as they have a vibrate setting. If we're into the female thing, we don't mind a bit of a thinner girl, but man, those Blood Elves. Snap them in half just by looking at 'em sharply.

The men like the girls and boys of all sizes, really, not being very picky. Except some of the paladins are kind of stuck up. But they don't get to tap much anyway. Too busy dealing with the sticks up their arses. Naturally, I don't follow this stereotype myself, but then again I'm the black sheep of the family and it's only the great benevolence (or the great apathy) of the Naaru that let me retain my abilities. Velen sure doesn't approve.

Anyway, that's your flirting with Draenei 101. I assure you, other normal things like buying us drinks or giving us presents or commenting on our stunning good looks runs true for us as well. Lots of people don't seem to know about the tail thing, though, so I hope this helps.

And no, sorry, my calendar is booked for the next month. Stand in line, boys and girls, stand in line.

Runnin' Here, Runnin' There

I have this insatiable need to be places I don't belong. For instance, the Ruins of Lordaeron. This is apparantly the way in and out for those reanimated pink-skinned humans, you know, the Scourge rejects? Well, anyway, I wanted to check the place out for myself. I'd heard about these echoes of the past or some such, and wanted to hear it for myself. Unfortunately, I had some guild members yammering in my ear and had to politely ask 'em to keep it down so I could hear some pretty bells. You'd think the way they carried on I'd asked the impossible. Anyway, so I make it to the old king's throne, no Horde yet. Actually, a hunter friend o' mine follows me in, looking all serious as if he's gotta protect me against the whole tide of the Forsaken or something. Well, we turned out to be fine (I think he might have been rather disappointed) and continued on to my real goal: Scarlet Monastery.

Those buggers have been hiding out there all righteous and such, and you know, that doesn't sit well with a Light-bearing pally such as myself. And I mean, I want the matching armor. Well, my personal hunter ran through there and tore the place up. As has my personal rogue, my personal paladin, and my personal lock. Also, a rather handsome shaman with possibly the sexiest weapons I've ever seen.

What can I say? I've got a thing for muscles and epics. Anyway, so I've gotten a ton of lovely gear. Problem is, it's a little heavy for me right now, so it's off to training I go! But I'm still afflicted with this darn wander lust, so I have to go where I have never gone before. This also involves strippin' down to my skivvies and running through dangerous areas. Can't dent my favorite armor, now can I? Wouldn't be right, I'm trying to take care of it. Plus, I was heading to Booty Bay and those Gobs are shifty characters. Over-charge for repairs all the time. Anyway, as I was saying.

I actually make it to Booty Bay with little to no problems. Some Blood Elf *cough* tried to smack me around with his bastardized version of the Light, but he ran off when I casually put up my bubble and kept going. Not worth my time, he was, and I wasn't worth his apparantly, since he shrugged and ran off. I slipped my armor back on before getting to the dock; Gobs are shifty in more ways than one.

Well, that's it. Made it through Stranglethorn without any problems. And you know, on my way back up, met up with another Blood Elf. This one was trailing some demon and she looked hurt. Well, I couldn't just let her struggle through the pain, you know? So I did her in neat and quick. It hurt me to do, but I couldn't stand to see her in pain.

'Cause I'm a giver, you know. Sacrifice my feelings for the good of others.

Plus, she looked at me funny.

Introductions

My name is Bellbell, and I'm a paladin of the Light. I'm also not afraid to take my axe and lop off some jaws once the "goody two-shoes" heckling of those Blood Elves start up. Laugh now. Seriously, have you seen those light-skinned elves? They need to eat a sammich or something, come on.

Right now I'm what the higher-ups have deemed a "Retribution" paladin. Sounds like I have anger issues, doesn't it? "You have stepped upon my grass, let the full might of my fury cut you down!" anger issues. Now, don't get me wrong. I like smacking some hordies around if they deserve it, but I'm not here to pick a fight. Unless you look at me funny. Or, you know, do something which you know you shouldn't.

Eventually, though, I'm gonna take all this misguided rage and funnel half of it into some new Holiness. "You're giving up Retribution? You sell-out!" Now that is a bold statement. Excuse me for a moment.

Sounds of screaming and gurgling are heard, then Bellbell walks back out, cleaning the edge of her axe.

Now, where was I? Oh yeah. Holy shock. That's right, I'm gonna be what the public like to call "Shockadins." I'd prefer maybe "Shock Trooper" or something, since anything with "-adin" at the end sounds kind of cheezy. Though I do enjoy it sometime, I am not cheezy myself.

I suppose at this point I'm supposed to tell you about my goals? Right then. First, I'm gonna take that Onyxia lizard and slap her around until she sees fit to present me with the Judgement Crown. I'm then gonna go have a nice chat with Ragnaros about some Legplates. Afterward, I'm going to go bust down Nefarion's door and take every single big-baddy in there down a peg until the rest of my set is complete. Then I'll start working on that Lich floating around.

Illidan? Yeah, he's a problem, but someone's apparantly got him farming or something at the moment. Unless I see some demon cabbages, I'm not overly concerned. Until I get up to par with that lizard-lady, though, I've been ah...chastizing the residents of Scarlet Monastary, with a little help from my comrades in arms. Soon I'm gonna be completing my first set, all pretty and red.

Watch out, Azeroth, I'm here and I'm ready to cut a swathe through these continents like no other.

Okay, so maybe I do have a bit of a temper.